When Grandma goes to court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

CHECK IT OUT

I have an UPDATE ON KEEWEE'S GARDEN. You can read about it HERE

If the rain would quit, I could go outside and PLAY.

A GIFT TO MYSELF

KitchenAid Chrome Food Processor

My tax return is a fairly good one this year. I figured I worked hard all last year so I deserve to treat myself.
I have been wanting a food processor for years, so when this one went on sale I jumped at the chance to buy it.
It comes with a generous capacity bowl, two feed tubes (a tall one for long foods items like zucchini and a narrow tube for single items like carrots or celery) and a two-piece food pusher.
Also a multi-purpose blade, you can chop, mince, blend, mix or emulsify foods quickly and easily. A slicing or shredding discs (2- and 4-mm slicing discs and 4-mm shredding disc) a dough blade, which lets you mix and knead bread or pizza dough; a spatula, a 4-cup mini bowl and mini blade so you can chop fresh herbs and nuts, mince garlic or puree sauces.
Also included is a storage case to hold the blades, discs and cleaning tool.

I can hardly wait until my gift arrives.

How to apply for a Job

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas .
They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old B*****d)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: I t sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Older People Rock! ***

Actually this story IS not true, but it is funny all the same.

THE HUMMERS ARE HERE, THE HUMMERS ARE HERE!

This morning when I first looked out the kitchen window I noticed there had been a frost last night. Immediately I thought about the new plants in the pot by the front door, hoping the frost had not damaged them, so I walked through the house to check on the new tender plants.
I opened the door and........whirrrr, whirrr, whirrrr, there, just about one foot in front of my face was a hummingbird. It hovered for about half a minute, seemingly looking right at me, then flitted off around the corner of the house. I immediately rushed back into the kitchen to check out the hummingbird feeder I set out last week, and sure enough there was my little friend busily sucking down sugar water as fast as he could.
I am very excited to see my first hummer of the season, as they are one of my favorite birds to observe.
My new plants did survive the frost, this is a happy day.

HAPPY EASTER

My kind of Easter Eggs, the non fattening variety, covered in precious metals and jewels.

TREASURE FROM MY GARDEN

While cleaning up a few weeds from my garden I came across these beautiful Skeleton Leaves. How beautifully intricate and delicate they are.

You can make your own Skeleton leaves. HERE are the instructions.

I WANT ONE OF EACH PLEASE.

This cake shop, has been in the same location in Palmerston North New Zealand, for over 50 years. I remember as a young child, standing outside watching the little mechanized baker, rolling dough while my mother went inside to buy our favorite treats.

On my visit last November, I was delighted to see that nothing much had changed at this bakery.There were a few new biscuits (cookies) and cakes but my favorites were still being baked daily. And the little baker continued to roll out the dough.

They say I'm nuts, rolling this dough for all these years. But please tell me does that make me a DOUGHNUT??

On the top shelf there are Lamingtons, a cream filled pastry and custard squares. The second shelf holds meat pies, custard pies and some yummy looking tarts I had never seen before.

Cream filled chocolate cake, cream horns and to the left you can just see chocolate eclairs.
By the way, that is REAL cream in everything, not that nasty artificial stuff.

Bacon & egg pie, sausage rolls and a potato topped mince (hamburger) pie.

Custard squares. Just one bite into the flaky pastry filled, icing topped square and you have to lick all the custard from around your mouth as it squishes out with every bite. Yes they are messy to eat, but so delicious.

You would have been proud of me. After standing in front of the display case for it seemed like an eternity, trying to decide what I would like,I bought just one custard square. I really wanted several of the old favorites but now I am older, I struggle with maintaining my weight and I did not want to gain too many pounds during my vacation.

Click on the pictures for a closer look at all the delicious goodies.

THIS ABOUT SUMS IT UP

The Middle Wife

From the diary of a teacher:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, But the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade Classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions With my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, Show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, Stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on Them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're Welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, Takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow Stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I m going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a Seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months Through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to Laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching! Her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, My Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'" Erica puts a hand Behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this Kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have A sign on the car like the Domino's man.

They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with Her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he Got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like Psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water Flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.'

They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.

He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's Play-center!, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned! To her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just In case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A PANINI TO......

Looking at some of the blogs I read on a regular basis, I noticed some of my blogger friends had not posted anything in a while. Then I took a look at when I did my last post, and saw it was last week since I had made an effort. Sheesh! where does the time go?
I must admit I really do not have enough time in the mornings on my work days, to blog, then after I arrive home, fix dinner, and rest for a while, the urge to create something worthwhile to post, just slips away.

This morning at 11am I had an appointment for my annual physical, and to have my blood drawn to check my cholesterol and liver function, as I am currently taking a cholesterol lowering medication.

I duly arrived 10 minutes before my appointment, only to find that the Dr. was running late, so by the time I was shown into the examination room it was 11:30. I was hoping to be eating a sandwich by this time as I had to fast in preparation for the blood draw. The nurse who took my vitals said that she would look into my having my blood drawn while we were waiting for the Dr. to finish up with her patient. I was fine with this, just get the bloody job done as I do not care overly much for the procedure.

The tech who draws the blood was busy so the nurse prepared to do the job. I sat down put my arm on the table and prepared myself for..... Oh S--t!! It hit me like a brick on the back of the head, this was a nurse. (Yes I know nurses draw blood, but not all day long as the techs at this clinic do) soI dropped my head so I would not see what was about to happen, and prepared for an unpleasant experience.

Being petite, I have VERY small veins, and from experience I know it takes a tech with a lot of skill to draw my blood quickly so I feel little or no discomfort at all. Today was not to be one of those times.
I felt the straw sized needle enter my alcohol swabbed arm and gritted my teeth. Ah! she has found the vein, NOT, she pushed a little more and said "there it is" Uh Oh, my tummy was feeling squeamish and my head was starting to buzz, not a good sign. Please, please, lets get this over with. It took her forever to fill the vial, and I could feel myself getting more light headed, which I mentioned to the nurse. She removed the first vial of blood and proceeded to get a little more "just in case the Dr. needs more for a further test.
At long last, the procedure was over and I was sitting on the chair with my head between my legs gasping in deep breaths trying to stop the feeling I was going to faint. Finally I started to feel better, and the nurse offered some water and a girl scout cookie which I thought a good idea, as I am sure my blood sugar level was down due to having to fast overnight and it was now 11:45 and the last thing I had eaten was 6:30 pm yesterday.

I sipped the water and nibbled the chocolate mint cookie, enjoying the moment, then another wave of dizziness overtook me. Dang, now I was feeling like a regular sissy, I have not fainted or felt this way since I was a child. I think by this time the nurse was feeling a little concerned, she took my pulse, it was still ticking along just as it should be, so the nurse had me lie down on the examination table with my legs raised on a pillow, until the Doctor could see me.

In came my Doctor, cheerful as usual, and proceeded to look at my chart. "Hmmmmm, you are not due to have your physical until June, it is your blood draw we needed to day. I wonder why the office sent you notice to come in for your physical today?"
Can't say I was sorry to get dressed and leave the clinic, with out my physical as I really had, had enough for one day.

I drove across the highway to Pickles, a wonderful little cafe which serves the best Panini I have ever had. I sat in the warmth with my Chicken, tomato basil Panini and a Sweet cup of Coffee and made a full recovery before driving the few miles home.

AND THE MORAL IS ?

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.



"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.





"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

WITH A FIVE YEAR OLD, WHAT YOU SEE, IS WHAT YOU GET

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book
and says, 'Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!'

Deep breath ... 'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does.

'A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

CONSIDERING THE HIGH COST OF GAS.....HERE IS A SOLUTION

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use..... The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.....

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Border....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq .... Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military..... Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country...... He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot......

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....

Problem solved.....