LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS:

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.


2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(This was done in large type so you can read it.)

Subject: How Government Works

Fixin' To Fix The Fence...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at The White House. One is from Ohio , another from Tennessee , and the third, from Kentucky .

They all go...(with a White House official also present)... to examine the fence.

The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil...'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900 total...$400 for materials,...$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700 total.... $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Ohio contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'...The official, incredulous, whispers back,...You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'....The Ohio contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.... 'Done!' replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is often how it all works.

TWO WAYS TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see there really are two ways to look at everything...

When Grandma goes to court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Irish Ghost Story

This story happened some time ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and...wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breathe. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..."Look Paddy...there's that bloomin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it." !!!!

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO

MrC has some business to attend to off Island tomorrow, which means a very early, 6:30, ferry to catch in the morning. So I leave you with this *chuckle* for Sunday.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."

Who needs an attitude adjustment?

In case you were wondering!

Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men who'd be interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore -- under fiction.

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find young, sexy women who'd be interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore -- under fantasy.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools you can finish the basement. When you are done you'll have a place to live.

Q: What's the best way to increase the heart rate of a 50+ year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can I avoid seeing so many wrinkles every time I walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year-old people always use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they parked your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year-olds to have short-term memory storage problems?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but mostly in the afternoon. [True-True-True!]

Q: Where should 50+ year-olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What's the most common remark made by 50+ year-olds when they enter an antique store?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old To Trick or Treat

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask!" and you're not even wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or....." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

What kind of movies do chickens watch?

Dear God

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC, and those guys deducted $95.00 in taxes.

THURSDAY CHUCKLE

IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.

SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULD NOT TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.

NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.

BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. He, using his cell phone, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"

"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.

SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.

A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"

"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."

THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.

TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"

"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN."

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.

THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."

Thanks Joyce for the chuckle

BASEBALL FOREVER

Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day.

One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed, "Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe--Moe."

"Who is it?" asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

I used to remember

It didn't seem that long ago, that I could remember almost every date and time, I had to go places or do something important. I'm wondering, am I growing older, or do I have way more things to do?

I find I need to write all my activities and appointments in my calendar or I just plain forget.
I also use a color code, so at a glance I can see when we have shooting matches, the days I am working, doctor or dentist appointments, lunch with friends etc.
The calendar for the rest of the year, is a rainbow of color, indicating all that will keep me busy until Christmas. Now all I have to remember is what all the colors are for *chuckle*

The Patch

Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir." said Earl. "We're on the patch."

Beware Of The Friday 13th Virus

A warning for guys and gals

Friday 13th Virus

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend your new phone number.

It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.

It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over.

It will put a dead aardvark in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Friday 13th Virus will make you fall in love with a penguin.

It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your boyfriend or girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.

It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Friday 13th Virus will give you Dutch Elm disease.

It will leave the toilet seat up.

It will leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

Friday 13th Virus will cause your cakes to fall and your blood pressure to rise.

It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others.

It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath as it does so, which makes the net results negative.

It cheats at Scrabble.

It can forge your signature.

It plays the bagpipes in your basement.

It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain.

It does bad celebrity impersonations in front of your friends.

from http://www.jokesunlimited.com

Bubba Paints His House

One day Bubba decided he was sick and tired of all the redneck jokes and how all rednecks are perceived as stupid. So, he decides to show his wife that rednecks really are smart. While his wife was at work, he decided he would paint a couple of rooms in the house.


The next day, right after his wife leaves for work he gets down to the task at hand.


His wife arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. She walks into the living room and finds her husband lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. She notices that he is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. She goes over and asks him if he is OK.

He replies yes.

She asks what he is doing and he replies that he wanted to prove to her that not all redneck men are dumb, and he wanted to do it by painting the house.


She then asks him why he has a parka over his leather jacket.

He replied that he was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . ..


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will
instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold while you chop.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives
-- then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If
it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.


Thanks to Robyn