When Grandma goes to court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

CHECK IT OUT

I have an UPDATE ON KEEWEE'S GARDEN. You can read about it HERE

If the rain would quit, I could go outside and PLAY.

A GIFT TO MYSELF

KitchenAid Chrome Food Processor

My tax return is a fairly good one this year. I figured I worked hard all last year so I deserve to treat myself.
I have been wanting a food processor for years, so when this one went on sale I jumped at the chance to buy it.
It comes with a generous capacity bowl, two feed tubes (a tall one for long foods items like zucchini and a narrow tube for single items like carrots or celery) and a two-piece food pusher.
Also a multi-purpose blade, you can chop, mince, blend, mix or emulsify foods quickly and easily. A slicing or shredding discs (2- and 4-mm slicing discs and 4-mm shredding disc) a dough blade, which lets you mix and knead bread or pizza dough; a spatula, a 4-cup mini bowl and mini blade so you can chop fresh herbs and nuts, mince garlic or puree sauces.
Also included is a storage case to hold the blades, discs and cleaning tool.

I can hardly wait until my gift arrives.

How to apply for a Job

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas .
They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old B*****d)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: I t sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Older People Rock! ***

Actually this story IS not true, but it is funny all the same.

THE HUMMERS ARE HERE, THE HUMMERS ARE HERE!

This morning when I first looked out the kitchen window I noticed there had been a frost last night. Immediately I thought about the new plants in the pot by the front door, hoping the frost had not damaged them, so I walked through the house to check on the new tender plants.
I opened the door and........whirrrr, whirrr, whirrrr, there, just about one foot in front of my face was a hummingbird. It hovered for about half a minute, seemingly looking right at me, then flitted off around the corner of the house. I immediately rushed back into the kitchen to check out the hummingbird feeder I set out last week, and sure enough there was my little friend busily sucking down sugar water as fast as he could.
I am very excited to see my first hummer of the season, as they are one of my favorite birds to observe.
My new plants did survive the frost, this is a happy day.

HAPPY EASTER

My kind of Easter Eggs, the non fattening variety, covered in precious metals and jewels.

TREASURE FROM MY GARDEN

While cleaning up a few weeds from my garden I came across these beautiful Skeleton Leaves. How beautifully intricate and delicate they are.

You can make your own Skeleton leaves. HERE are the instructions.

I WANT ONE OF EACH PLEASE.

This cake shop, has been in the same location in Palmerston North New Zealand, for over 50 years. I remember as a young child, standing outside watching the little mechanized baker, rolling dough while my mother went inside to buy our favorite treats.

On my visit last November, I was delighted to see that nothing much had changed at this bakery.There were a few new biscuits (cookies) and cakes but my favorites were still being baked daily. And the little baker continued to roll out the dough.

They say I'm nuts, rolling this dough for all these years. But please tell me does that make me a DOUGHNUT??

On the top shelf there are Lamingtons, a cream filled pastry and custard squares. The second shelf holds meat pies, custard pies and some yummy looking tarts I had never seen before.

Cream filled chocolate cake, cream horns and to the left you can just see chocolate eclairs.
By the way, that is REAL cream in everything, not that nasty artificial stuff.

Bacon & egg pie, sausage rolls and a potato topped mince (hamburger) pie.

Custard squares. Just one bite into the flaky pastry filled, icing topped square and you have to lick all the custard from around your mouth as it squishes out with every bite. Yes they are messy to eat, but so delicious.

You would have been proud of me. After standing in front of the display case for it seemed like an eternity, trying to decide what I would like,I bought just one custard square. I really wanted several of the old favorites but now I am older, I struggle with maintaining my weight and I did not want to gain too many pounds during my vacation.

Click on the pictures for a closer look at all the delicious goodies.

THIS ABOUT SUMS IT UP

The Middle Wife

From the diary of a teacher:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, But the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade Classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions With my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, Show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, Stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on Them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're Welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, Takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow Stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I m going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a Seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months Through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to Laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching! Her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, My Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'" Erica puts a hand Behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this Kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have A sign on the car like the Domino's man.

They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with Her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he Got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like Psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water Flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.'

They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.

He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's Play-center!, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned! To her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just In case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A PANINI TO......

Looking at some of the blogs I read on a regular basis, I noticed some of my blogger friends had not posted anything in a while. Then I took a look at when I did my last post, and saw it was last week since I had made an effort. Sheesh! where does the time go?
I must admit I really do not have enough time in the mornings on my work days, to blog, then after I arrive home, fix dinner, and rest for a while, the urge to create something worthwhile to post, just slips away.

This morning at 11am I had an appointment for my annual physical, and to have my blood drawn to check my cholesterol and liver function, as I am currently taking a cholesterol lowering medication.

I duly arrived 10 minutes before my appointment, only to find that the Dr. was running late, so by the time I was shown into the examination room it was 11:30. I was hoping to be eating a sandwich by this time as I had to fast in preparation for the blood draw. The nurse who took my vitals said that she would look into my having my blood drawn while we were waiting for the Dr. to finish up with her patient. I was fine with this, just get the bloody job done as I do not care overly much for the procedure.

The tech who draws the blood was busy so the nurse prepared to do the job. I sat down put my arm on the table and prepared myself for..... Oh S--t!! It hit me like a brick on the back of the head, this was a nurse. (Yes I know nurses draw blood, but not all day long as the techs at this clinic do) soI dropped my head so I would not see what was about to happen, and prepared for an unpleasant experience.

Being petite, I have VERY small veins, and from experience I know it takes a tech with a lot of skill to draw my blood quickly so I feel little or no discomfort at all. Today was not to be one of those times.
I felt the straw sized needle enter my alcohol swabbed arm and gritted my teeth. Ah! she has found the vein, NOT, she pushed a little more and said "there it is" Uh Oh, my tummy was feeling squeamish and my head was starting to buzz, not a good sign. Please, please, lets get this over with. It took her forever to fill the vial, and I could feel myself getting more light headed, which I mentioned to the nurse. She removed the first vial of blood and proceeded to get a little more "just in case the Dr. needs more for a further test.
At long last, the procedure was over and I was sitting on the chair with my head between my legs gasping in deep breaths trying to stop the feeling I was going to faint. Finally I started to feel better, and the nurse offered some water and a girl scout cookie which I thought a good idea, as I am sure my blood sugar level was down due to having to fast overnight and it was now 11:45 and the last thing I had eaten was 6:30 pm yesterday.

I sipped the water and nibbled the chocolate mint cookie, enjoying the moment, then another wave of dizziness overtook me. Dang, now I was feeling like a regular sissy, I have not fainted or felt this way since I was a child. I think by this time the nurse was feeling a little concerned, she took my pulse, it was still ticking along just as it should be, so the nurse had me lie down on the examination table with my legs raised on a pillow, until the Doctor could see me.

In came my Doctor, cheerful as usual, and proceeded to look at my chart. "Hmmmmm, you are not due to have your physical until June, it is your blood draw we needed to day. I wonder why the office sent you notice to come in for your physical today?"
Can't say I was sorry to get dressed and leave the clinic, with out my physical as I really had, had enough for one day.

I drove across the highway to Pickles, a wonderful little cafe which serves the best Panini I have ever had. I sat in the warmth with my Chicken, tomato basil Panini and a Sweet cup of Coffee and made a full recovery before driving the few miles home.

AND THE MORAL IS ?

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.



"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.





"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

WITH A FIVE YEAR OLD, WHAT YOU SEE, IS WHAT YOU GET

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book
and says, 'Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!'

Deep breath ... 'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does.

'A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

CONSIDERING THE HIGH COST OF GAS.....HERE IS A SOLUTION

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use..... The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.....

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Border....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq .... Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military..... Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country...... He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot......

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....

Problem solved.....

HELP WITH FREE MAMMOGRAMS

It is Spring in my garden, a time of new beginnings. The sight of the crocus brought to mind a new season is upon us bringing changes, not only in the weather, but in the lives of many.
Breast cancer kills many women who do not have insurance, so do not go and get the mammograms they should have.
MrC was sent an email by a friend telling us about the site below. We both think it is a worthy cause and if we can help to make it possible for many more underprivileged women to go and have their mammograms, then we are all for it.


The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on 'donating a mammogram' for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors /advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.

Go Here and Click on the big pink button.

Bloggers: If you can help get the word out on this, it would be really appreciated. Thanks!

Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.

I have been busy this past week so have not had the energy to put anything together for Keewee's Corner. Thank goodness for friends who send me jokes or stories I can use.


1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?'

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

'Absolutely,' said the professor. 'In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello.'

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:3 0 p.m., an older African-American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached..

It read:
'Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.'

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

'How much is an ice cream sundae?' he asked.

'Fifty cents,' replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

'Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?' he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

'Thirty-five cents,' she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

'I'll have the plain ice cream,' he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.


4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, 'Yes, I'll do it if it will save her.' As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, 'Will I start to die right away?'

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Sure makes you stop and think, doesn't it?

ODE TO PLURALS.........

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

thanks to Judy P

Spring is just around the corner.

Yesterday it was 50 something degrees outside, warm enough to wander around the yard to see what was growing.

There are Tulips, Daffodils, Hyacinths, and Crocus all well up out of the ground, and I also noticed a couple of Anenomes are almost in flower.
I am so eager to see the colors of all the tulips I planted last fall.

A little advice

Sometimes when you are angry with someone,
it helps to sit down and think about the problem

APPLESAUCE BREAD

Why on earth I thought buying a huge jar of apple sauce, which was on sale, a bargain, i'll never know. I knew I had better find a way to use some of the applesauce before it grew green fuzz.
Yay! for the internet, I found this recipe for Applesauce bread. A nice large slice and a cup of tea is just the ticket for morning or afternoon tea.

The recipe calls for butter and whole eggs, but if you are concerned about fats, then substitute margarine and Eggbeaters or similar product.

1/2 cup butter (1stick)
1/4 cup dark brown sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda.
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. allspice
1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup applesauce
2 large eggs
1 cup raisins
1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour an 8 x4 x 3" loaf pan.
Cream the butter and brown sugar. Add the remaining ingredients except the nuts and raisins. Mix well until blended. Stir in the nuts and raisins. Pour into the loaf pan.
Bake for 60-65 minutes.