Sunday, December 13, 2009

86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

I'm not sure if this is true, but it is entertaining.

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.


#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?



Your Humble Client

9 comments:

mistaya's M.O.M. said...

Hi Keewee, I have recieved this email myself and I too thought it was cute. I do hope it is true!!!

Randy Emmitt said...

Jennifer,

This is too funny! Thanks for sharing it!

lom said...

I hope this is true too, I would love to have seen his face when he read it.

cassie-b said...

Thanks
I'm going to remember that - just in case.

edt said...

Lom and Keewee...the way to varify wether these sorts of things are true or not is to cut and paste the first couple of sentences into Google and then add the word "Snopes" Snopes is a website that debunks urban myths and these sorts of things that circulate in email land. This one started in Australia and wasnt actually sent to a bank but that doesnt make it any less funny.

Mary Lou said...

LOLOL Well i was going to tell you to stop by my blog and see the comment edt left, and his wee tree. But I see he has been here too!!! you gotta see his "wee tree" though!!

edt said...

As I have been prompted the wee tree can be seen here...:)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/martin-nz/4165452332/in/set-72157622903134828/

Seasons greetings and a Merry Christmas to you all.

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